Heh heh, I guess I f@#$ed with the wrong collective of happytime Highland Park musical mediocrities! Cuz late the other night I was chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool at my Pomona abode. It was almost time for bed and I was in my Hammy Jammies. I'd finished my skin care regimen but I hadn't brushed my teeth cuz that ship has sailed. I was blasting GG Allin like I always do before bed because I need something to get me pumped to face all the ghastly horror I meet in my dreams.
All of a sudden I heard a bunch of stomping on my porch. "GET THE F@#K OFF MY PORCH!!!!" I shouted, because it's not like I ever get any friendly visitors. Do I really think it's gonna be some beautiful chick lookin' for a late night ride on Hamilton's peter? Puh-leeze.
But they kept stomping and I started hearing a bunch of shouting and I thought I saw a f@#$ing torch through the curtain. I started to hear voices. "We wanna talk to you, Peters!" one shouted. "How dare you say such horrible things about Seasons' beautiful video?!?!?" another said. "Come on out so we can weld some speakers into your arms you little twerp!!!!!!!" said a particularly clever one.
I opened the door and there I saw a mob with torches and pitchforks, straight outta James Whale's classic 1931 adaptation of Frankenstein.
So I was gonna tell you that I'm a fearless man who takes all comers and that I beat down the entire mob using my crazy mixed martial arts skills. I probably coulda done it too, cuz I'm scrawny and smart. Seasons fans are scrawny and dumb.
But instead I'll be honest and tell you that I played it like a wise aikido master and used the mob's force against them. I said, "Come on in guys!" and showed them into my living room. The mob was a little confused but they filed in. Then they looked at me in my sad crusty pajamas with my overnight Proactiv Refining Mask on, and they looked around the room at the empty Hungry Man dinner trays lying around the floor and the stacks and stacks of vinyl reaching the ceiling and the clumps of jizz-infused kleenex here and there, though mostly in front my shrine to Kate Bush, which is a poster of her face from 1980 photoshopped onto a nude body that looks more or less like how imagine Kate Bush's nude body looked in 1980, all surrounded by votive candles.
The mob stood there looking disgusted. And they stood there some more. And stood there. Finally one of them said, "Let's get out of here, this guy's got it bad enough without us kicking his ass."
After such a triumphant performance I was a bit too amped up to sleep so I emailed Hater X about what went down and I asked, "Is this the type of thing I'm gonna have to get used to if I keep writing for you?" I guess that lonely old bastard just sits in front of his computer all day and all night waiting for someone from the outside world to remember he exists, cuz about two seconds later X wrote back, "Only if you keep doing it right. I'm including a link for another video for you to review. And don't worry, these greasy FLaRNballs don't have nearly enough fans to make up an angry mob."
Here's the video he sent me:
You know who the band George Glass sounds like? And I mean EXACTLY like? They sound EXACTLY like this one indie rock band that was kicking around sometime in 1994. What was this band called, you might be asking? Well I DON'T F@#$ING KNOW!!!! You know why I don't f@#$ing know? Cuz NO ONE F@#$ING KNOWS!!!!! Because NO ONE cared about them in 1994, and EVEN LESS THAN NO ONE cares about their f@#$ing clones in 2011.
As for the video it's about some sadsack silent film loser who's sorta like Buster Keaton except he's got a stupid ass grin on his face all the time and he's got a big date planned with some hot flapper chick and he thinks it's gonna be a wonderful day but the hot flapper chick ends up beating the shit out of him first with her fists and then with a bat and then candy comes out of his ballsack for some reason and then he wakes up and it was all a dream OR WAS IT???? the end.
I gotta admit that I kinda sorta wanna like it. Whoever came up with the idea obviously has some issues with women, and as a fellow dude who obviously has some issues with women I kinda relate. But this guy needs to grow some balls about it!!! The whole scenario is like a photo negative of this old Andrew Lynch video
...it's like this Andrew Lynch video without balls. And take if from Hammy that if you got less balls than Andrew Lynch then you got a serious testicular deficiency, because Andrew Lynch is pretty much Billie Joel with less balls. He's basically William Joel.
But this poor, poor silent film sonofabitch getting so HURT by his f@#$ing woman...oh for the love of...you have no idea what it's like to be hurt by a woman, Mr. George Glass!!!! You know how I know you don't know what it's like to truly be scorned by a woman, Mr. George Glass? CUZ YOU GOT SARAH F@#$ING NEGAHDARI TO STAR IN YOUR VIDEO ABOUT HOW MUCH CHICKS HATE YOU!!!!!!
Jesus Christ you make me sick, George Glass. You know who wouldn't even return my phone calls, much less do me the honor of beating the tar out of me with a baseball bat???? SARAH F@#$ING NEGAHDARI!!!!!!
Christ almighty I'm gonna puke.