GOING STEADY

The best thing about being a a passive (or maybe not so passive) observer in this FLaRNey music scene we live in is having so many musical Dizzy Dames pining for my allegiance. You heard me right. Do you know how many female musicians in this town know of my existence and fear the wrath of my written word?  Aha......well....that's a debatable number.  But since its your word against mine, I'm gonna say fifty one thousand, nine hundred and eleven.  That's a nice even number. When you're such a polarizing figure you develop a skill for knowing which dames are worth going steady with and which dames are the enemy!  sometimes its tough to know.  It really is.  So that is why i have finally put together a guide to help YOU, the lowly Zygote Hippie Scum. 

First things first, you never wanna go steady with a dame who has inferior musical tastes.  How do you know if your dame has inferior musical taste, you ask?  Easy. Next time you and your dame are out at the malt shop fraternizing with like-minded youths, all you have to do is wait until she goes to the bathroom to powder her nose. When she does this, dip into her purse, grab her digital music device, scroll through its contents and then take five bucks from her wallet (this last part of the instruction is optional depending on how many drinks she's bought you up to that point).  Below is what i like to call the DIZZYDAME CLASSIFICATION GUIDE.  I know its a mouthful. But it will keep you well informed about the type of dame you're dating. The rating number at the end stands for the number (and type) of drinks you will need in order to safely make it through the date without falling asleep or murdering someone. 

THE DIZZYDAME CLASSIFICATION GUIDE

The Fleet Fox - Tread with caution. This dame is a middle of the road, mealy-mouthed, trend-hopping lemming who doesn't know how to form individualist thoughts and opinions. She is obsessed with Local Natives, Red Cortez, and The Broken West. She also likes beards and flannel, which means she cannot be trusted. Drink : 4 double kamikazes

The Indigo Girl - Beware! Lost cause alert. This dame has every album K.D. Lang has ever released. And Melissa Etheridge. She also has a crew cut, maroon ankle boots, a loping stride, and an overly enthusiastic hankering for Lowenbrau Beer. Your only hope regarding long-term relations with this type of girl is this. Drink: Two bottles of Southern Comfort.

The Ariel Pink - At first it's hard to decipher this type of dame. Initially she's witty, funny, sexy, a sense for high fashion, and she seems to know a helluva lot about all of your favorite bands regardless of genre.  Sounds too good to be true, right?  That's cuz it IS!!!  RUN AWAY!!  You won't know its too late until the post-coital embrace. That's when this dame will dramatically jump out of bed, run to the far corner of the room, shrink down, hug her knees and burst into a tearful rage while telling you she has a scorching case of herpes.  She will also give you a hand-written list of demands that must be met by you if your intimate relationship is to continue. And that's where she gets ya because now that you have herpes, you'd be a fool not to keep her as a lifetime sex partner since no one else will ever want to sleep with you again. Drink: a case of Draino

The Deerhunter - Beware!!!  Kill the date before it even gets going, because once it starts, you'll have trouble stopping it.  There's the rub.  This dame will show up wearing a Throbbing Gristle T-shirt.  She will immediately thrust the both of you into a spiraling tirade of horrendous events that make up her past.  On the first date she will divulge way too much information about personal subject matter that should never be shared with anyone. She will then begin to complain about the dating life and how she is sick of all the attention and gifts and money and distribution and tour support. And then she will pick up a steak knife and start cutting herself.  Drink: Two Xanax milkshakes

The Pablo Honey - Preferable. Although initially not much to look at, stick with it.  On the first date she just seems like any other plain Jane you could find at any art space on the east side. Sometimes she kinda even looks like a man from certain angles. She doesn't say much, she doesn't eat much, and she stares at her shoes. Though that initial first date will be tough, get through it.  On the second date she will show up with lipstick and a new haircut.  She will smell nice and will have more interesting things to talk about. She will tell you about her fascination with the first three R.E.M. records.  On the third date she will show up with a hot tight dress on that accentuates her flawless features.  She will divulge that she's obsessed with the Pixies. She will be socially and economically aware and she'll wanna talk about really smart stuff, and she'll use lots of allegory. On the fourth date, she will have totally reinvented herself.  She will be the coolest, hottest, most FLarRN-less girl on the block. Her demeanor and social outlook will have become extremely doomsday pessimistic, but that'll be an easy adjustment to make as long as she continues to allow you to touch her boobs.  If you can stick with it, the Pablo Honey is a keeper. Drink : victory